A Journey

I don't profess to know much about anything---I am pretty good at teaching, I can make a mean Shepherd's Pie. The tenth Doctor will always be my favorite, and I love a good British TV show I can stream on Netflix. However, I am passionate about Veterans. I am an advocate for my husband (who is a Veteran), and I want to learn and understand the Veteran experience.

I spent most of my graduate school career reading, listening, talking to, and working with Veterans. These guys and gals came from all walks of life and some were even students in my classroom. When I met my husband, I had no idea that he would fall into some of my work--I read about missions similar to ones he'd been on...I read about loss and death as he would share with me...I learned first hand from a Veteran.

I started this blog with a passion--a passion for sharing a little bit about our life with a service dog. There have been posts that have been very challenging to write (see "Don't Rain on My Parade"), and there have been some that have made me wonder, "why in the world did you write that?" However, I hope I never run out of material. I am passionate about Veterans and service dogs, and the importance of learning about service dogs. I hope I can write about those things and people can understand what life is like for Veterans when they return home from war (with and without a service dog).

Writing is something that has come sort of natural to me...I don't claim to be an expert, nor am I a perfect writer, so at times, this blog will be less than perfect. You'll find some typos, occasional grammar snafus (and I even teach that stuff to college kids)...but no one is perfect. There's no perfect blog, and I'm certainly not a perfect author.

I plan to post daily, but also want to take weekends off. I don't know if the posts will ever come at the same time Monday-Friday, but I will try. I want to share photos of our family, of Memphis, and I hope they are quality photos, and I hope you continue to read, follow, share, and comment on these posts...blogging is a fairly new thing to me, so I am a work in progress, and am learning as I go.

Who knows about this blog? Friends, family, folks on social media...people who might be interested in Veterans or service dogs. Who reads this blog? Friends, family, folks on social media and people interested in Veterans and service dogs I hope. I know at times the posts are sappy, emotional, full of spunk or very real, but that is good. I want you all to see what life is like for us from time to time. I want you to understand the role of a service dog, and how important organizations like This Able Veteran are to Veterans across the U.S.

I have hit delete more times than I can count. I've tried to save posts, and then edited/deleted the whole thing. I let Sam read most of the content before I hit publish. I make mistakes. I might seem rude or like I am complaining, but sometimes this is a way to express myself, express the thoughts we have, and get that out (therapy? Writing is quite therapeutic).

So, what can you expect to find? Our journey. Our life with Memphis. Our ups, downs, happy times, sad times, good times, bad times...a little bit of everything. My goal is to reach a lot of folks--to interview other Veterans, talk to their spouses, work on asking trainers some questions, give you insight to our life with Memphis, dogs, and kids. This is our story, and it is a pleasure and privilege to write and share it.

2017 is around the corner...I look forward to what that has to offer--the journey--the challenge--the ups, downs...every single thing 2017 has to offer...why? 2016 was pretty good (okay, all the celebrity deaths have slowly drained parts of my childhood, but...), 2016 was good for me.

Please stick with me...I am trying new things as a "blogger" and am working out kinks that I didn't know about when I first started posting. I promise the content comes from the heart and means the world to me...

 Never good at selfies, but I managed to snap one in my office---thank goodness for photo filters!!

This sweet boy has captured my heart--and that smile melts my heart into a big gooey puddle...

Is it 2017 yet?

How many of you are ready for 2017 to be here? Can you believe that this year is almost over? Are you thinking or saying, "is it 2017 yet?"

With recent celebrity deaths, tragedies we see on the news, and daily events, some people are over 2016. I know I have had my moments of wanting to shove 2016 out the door, but I also have had moments of wanting to hug 2016 as well.

I have been reflecting and have to say that I am happy/pleased with the results of this year...we have been through a lot with our family, and I really am grateful for all the ups and downs, the good, the bad, happy, sad, laughter, tears..it has shaped us, and I think in a way, has prepped us for whatever 2017 may offer.

Highlights of 2016 for us...

1. Sam applied to This Able Veteran. He was accepted into the April 2016 class and graduated with Memphis.

2.  We were engaged in December 2015, and married on the beach June 14, 2016.

3.  I graduated (finally) from graduate school! Sam, Memphis, my dad Jim, and my friends Aubrey and Tally attended my defense and listened to me babble/answer questions about my work.

4.  Kirsten finished a travel ball season with a new team, SI Aftershock...she is now in 14U age group. We met a lot of new families and softball players.

5.  Caden has worked very hard on his reading skills, and is a Harry Potter fan...tackling the books.

6.  My parents and in-laws were able to travel to Florida with us to celebrate our wedding. This was very special for us as a family.

7. Sam finished another year of graduate school at SIU!

8.  Sam left SIU as did the VITAL program, but he is now housed at the main campus of the Marion VA.

9. I accepted a teaching position at John A. Logan College.

10. We have been blessed with good health!

11. Sam and I had the opportunity to travel for work/school. Sam and Memphis flew to Palo Alto, California, and I flew to Denver, Colorado for a conference.

12. We've been blessed to see many of our family and friends who don't live near us--we love taking road trips and have had the chance to visit (even if it is a day trip) some of our favorite places.

I would also like to add that I had Portillo's twice in 2016 as well...✌

I look forward to 2017 and the opportunities we will have--the blessings to come--and the adventures that await.

As far as blog material, content, and options go, I am looking at broadening the reach of what this blog covers and the people who read. Look for email options to come soon, as well as a daily or weekly update.

We hope that you have a great 2017--we look forward to sharing more expereinces with you all (and of course pictures of Memphis, too!).

Happy Holidays & Happy New Year---here's to 2017!
-The Hoekstra's

Five Things to Know about a Veteran/Service Dog Team

I thought I would try something new for this post...I am going to ask Sam if he can give a list or a variety of five things he would like people to know about Veterans or Service Dogs.

Me: "Okay Sam, I'm going to ask you a few things for the blog readers."

Sam: "Pretty much Memphis is awesome?"

Seriously...here we go (these are the real responses from Sam).

1. Veterans are non-traditional adults. They had to be an adult first in some ways more than an adult (does this make sense). Unlike most teens or young people, Veterans had to adapt to an adult lifestyle very quickly and at a young age. In some cases, Veterans have taken more responsibility than adults at a young age.

2.  There is more to a Veteran than the uniform. For example, I put together an art show that allowed people to see that Veterans can be artistic and show/express a creative side, one that may show what their war expereinces. Veterans are more than "things they carry," we carry more than an image--fathers, wives, electricians, teachers--once the uniform goes on those seem to disappear. Veterans are unique and have a lot of various hobbies and expereinces.

3.  Just because a Veteran has a service dog it does not make them any less of a person. Service dogs are a tool, a way to help Veterans adapt to a new lifestyle that they lost, brainwashed out of--like brainwashed through PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), TBI (traumatic brain injury), or even what the military imposes on men and women.

4.  Sometimes people don't realize that dogs need days off. Like today, Memphis stayed home with "mom" to do some DIY projects. People at work asked where he was...I guarantee people at work don't ask where I am when I'm off, or not there. Memphis works hard through the week, and I can tell if he's sort of had it, or if he just needs a break. Maybe he just wants to lay on the couch, ya know.

5.  One of my favorite things to do with Memphis is walk at work. So, at the VA we have a track/walking path, and he gets to walk on lunch with me. I love it when he runs off, then he comes back and tries to juke me, then he will nudge my right leg. It is like our little fun time, and I love that he runs full speed and slows up a little when he gets to me.  It is our time to talk, to relax. We talk about work or what we will do when we get home. I like that he has a good personality.

*There you have it. Five things Sam would like you to know about what it is like being a Veteran with a service dog. I had fun talking with him, and I hope we can do another "five things" again sometime soon.

We are so blessed. I love hearing Sam talk about his days with Memphis--what they did at work, their drive to work and home. Seeing them interact is a joy--they light up my life.

Stop. Breathe. Smile.

Today I heard a commercial on the radio (yes, the radio) and a few of the lines I can remember were stop, breathe, smile...or something along those lines. The commercial for Pass One Hour Heating and Air was their version of a Christmas card and it has been with me since this morning when I heard it air.

The holidays always bring about some hustle and bustle...and unfortunately they bring about bad manners or bad attitudes in people. I witnessed that today. Sam and I had a quick lunch date at Culver's in Marion. Let's just say that it is really new, and that new hasn't worn off yet.

It was crowded. People stared as we walked in. We actually got a seat, in the middle of the restaurant where a man and woman watched us eat our meal the entire time. I'm honest when I say that every time I would look up or at Sam these people were watching us from their table. I had a moment of "what if I know her?" Nope. Didn't know her.

There was a man sitting next to us at a table for four. No one with him, but his technology and a coffee mug. Behind me a family of three kept searching for a table. This man did not move. Not that he had to I suppose, but surely he could have offered his table?

We ate so quickly, I think Sam felt as if he were back in a chow hall. It was so uncomfortable that we didn't talk much, we tried to eat as quickly as we could and get out. Sam kept one hand on Memphis the entire time. Memphis was so good (as always). I was flustered because Sam was flustered, and what should have been a nice little lunch date during the week was the worst trip to Culver's.

I remembered that commercial. In my head I was thinking these things:

Stop. Stop feeling uncomfortable, Cathrine...be grateful you had time during the week to meet Sam for lunch.

Stop thinking that everyone is watching you because your husband has a service dog.

Breathe. Everything is going to be alright. One "bad" lunch experience is not going to ruin your day.

Breathe because if there's too much negative energy spilling over from me, that could be bad for Sam.

Smile...you are a lucky girl, you got to have lunch with your husband, and you went to a new place (okay, not really new, but new to our area).

Smile because no matter how hectic and chaotic that experience was, today is still a good day.

The holidays are joyous for some, and a struggle for others. While the holiday season is suppose to be one filled with joy, love, family, friends, there was a brief moment that I didn't feel those things today over lunch. Lunch was a struggle. All I had to do was stop, breathe, and smile.

Sam texted and apologized for being so uncomfortable...that made me tear up because he knew it was going to be a tough situation, but we did it---we stuck it out. It was crowded, people were everywhere, and people were watching every table just incase someone finished eating and a spot was open.

Memphis wasn't uncomfortable. He was making sure Sam was okay. Memphis wasn't upset it was crowded. He was right beside Sam. Memphis didn't even notice all the people, or those who took an interest in him. He was focused, he was doing his job.

I wish I could have an attitude like Memphis at times...

In the upcoming days, I hope that you can take some time to stop, breathe, and smile. Even if you have a bad lunch experience, you wake up late, you have too many presents to wrap, or even if you still have shopping to finish--stop, breathe, smile.

Be Kind.

During the hustle and bustle of the morning, I always say to the kids (as we are leaving for school/work) "have a good day, I love you,  don't forget to mind your manners and be kind!" It may seem redundant or get old to them, but every morning we try to stick to our routine and every morning those words are said in the car.

Sometimes it is hard to be kind. We may have a bad day, someone may do something that irritates us (driving slow in the left lane, no turn signal, taking a parking spot we wanted), sometimes the phrase "when it rains, it pours" may even come to mind if you are having "one of those days," and it is just too much to be kind.

We have had a lot of people who have been very kind to us since Sam was paired with Memphis. In an earlier post, I mentioned the wonderful folks of Rotary District 6510. We had a random stranger pay for our meal one evening at Cracker Barrel. We've had people come up to us and thank Sam for his service and say, "God bless you."

Did you know that simply by being kind you can make the difference in the life of anyone you encounter, and even in the life of a Veteran?

I saw something yesterday on Facebook that brought tears to my eyes--well, two things now that I think about it.

The first: Gateway Warrior Foundation raised and donated $50,000 to This Able Veteran to sponsor TWO veteran/service dog teams. That gives me goosebumps. They have been such a blessing to many families, and to TAV. Through their support and donations, two Veterans will have an opportunity to fully live life and experience the joys of having a canine companion for life.

The second: Mrs. Maze's first grade class at Tri-C Elementary made over 175 buddy bags for Veteran patients at the Marion VA. I think the other first grade classes were involved, but that made my heart swell. Such a sweet gesture, and I'm so proud to know many of those teachers.

These two simple acts of kindness, love, and appreciation are just what we need in this world.

I will never be able to say "thank you" enough to the folks who helped raise money and donate the funding to sponsor Memphis. Simple acts of kindness, love, and appreciation once again...they have helped change the life of a Veteran that I love very much. They have helped Sam become comfortable in this world, in his job, and day to day life. These folks have also helped our family--we can go out together as a family, we know if Sam is feeling stressed or anxious, Memphis is there to support him. These people help Veterans battling PTSD.

This blog is a glimpse into our lives...and my hope is that by reading and sharing, maybe it reaches someone who needs some kindness and love. Maybe it reaches a family who has a loved one that struggles with PTSD. Maybe it reaches someone who has questions about a service dog, or knows someone that could benefit from learning about TAV's program and what their service dogs do.

Last night I talked with some people who care deeply for our Veterans, and who are supporters of This Able Veteran. I just kept thinking about how much I appreciate all of the support, love, kindness, and generosity we have received from people who are connected to this organization. It brings tears to my eyes...in a good way. Because it warms my heart knowing there are so many people who are willing to give up their time to support this mission of helping Veterans. There are people who don't even know much about TAV, or the reach this program has, and I hope that through conversation, this blog, and seeing TAV service dogs out and about, people can get a better understanding of what these service dogs do, and how these Veterans are living life with them.

So many people have been so kind..

A friend of mine recently lost his father. I was so moved by a post he made regarding his father on social media. He said, "please do something kind for someone else in his memory." Now, I never met his father, but from various posts on social media, and his blog, I do know his father was a kind, genuine man. Someone with a megawatt smile. Someone who never met a stranger and made people feel as if he'd known them for years. Someone who was kind...

If you are struggling this holiday season, especially with being kind, may I offer this advice? No matter how dark your days may seem, there is always, always something to be thankful for. This week has been rough with finals and work for Sam, finals for me, and the hustle and bustle of the week before Christmas break for our kids. We've been tired. We've been cranky. And, at times, we haven't been kind. But, we have one another. We have a roof over our heads, and warm beds to sleep in. We are thankful for so much. We had laughs this morning during our "morning routine," and there was a lot of love and kindness that filled our home.

Try to reach out and do something kind for someone today, tomorrow, next week...whether that's pay for someone's coffee while you are standing in line at Starbucks, offering to pay for a family's meal, leaving a simple note of gratitude for someone: be kind. You never know what kind of day a person may be having, so be kind. Everyone you meet may be fighting a battle you know nothing about. Someone may have lost a loved one, someone may not be a fan of the holidays...but even if you don't know the struggle you can always be kind.

So many people have been kind to our family...strangers, people we may never meet, people we know, and I am so thankful for every single person. Even if they don't know us, their devotion to helping Veterans has helped my family, and they gave us hope. I am so thankful for the kindness of the people at This Able Veteran. The work that you all do is simply amazing and life changing.  You have my heartfelt gratitude for the blessing you have given Sam and our family: Memphis.

Determined.

The word determined can be defined as having a strong feeling that you are going to do something and you will not allow anyone or anything to stop you; no difficulties will stand in your way.

Sam is determined to finish strong this semester in grad school.

This week we have been determined to get our work done and survive. Grad school can be challenging. I spent many nights working on papers, researching, reading, add into that mix grading papers, and also being with my family. I thought I would never graduate. I had the best cheerleader in Sam...encouraging me, reading my work, talking me out of quitting or giving up...he was determined to help me succeed and finish strong.

Sam has been working every night this week on his paper and studying for his class. This is a big deal. Normally we are in bed by 9:30, 10:00 every night...but Sam's bed time has been a lot later due to studying and working on his final.

Why am I making such a big deal about grad school, studying, and determination?

Imagine having a TBI  (traumatic brain injury) that has caused you to have little to no short-term memory. Think about how often you would have to make notes for yourself, put reminders in your phone, set alarms, ask your significant other to remind you to do something. Imagine trying to read 25+ pages for a class, and then having what you read sort of disappear or come back to you in bits and pieces. With little to no short term memory, studying can be a challenge.

Sam makes notes, he highlights sections in textbooks, and then sometimes he types the notes up to review them...anything to remember or make studying easier.

I have watched him grow into a very determined person in two years. When I first met Sam he was outgoing, but yet I could tell there were times that he may have felt like giving up. He wasn't a fan of working 40 hours a week and taking classes for his Master's in between. He wasn't a fan of going into the office to study for finals, a test, or working on a paper. But, he was determined to finish that degree. I admire him for his work ethic and for his determination to succeed despite having some setbacks.

Sam's undergrad was interrupted a few times by deployment orders. He would start a semester, get orders, and have to leave. When he would come back, he tried to get back into the swing of school. Imagine how challenging that could be--moving from one community to the other---the military community always looming, but yet needing to fit into the college community and less structured environment of a college campus.

A semester would begin, and deployment orders would come again.

Three times he was shifted between two worlds.

When we talked about Sam applying for a service dog through This Able Veteran, he was determined to work on processing his trauma and getting a hold on PTSD. When he entered the three week trauma resiliency program, he was determined. He has worked hard to accomplish so much after three deployments and being medevac'd out of Afghanistan. He graduated with his bachelor's degree, he works in Behavior Health at the VA, and he is working on completing his Master's degree.

He's one of the most determined people I know. I know that he can do anything he puts his mind to, with the love and support from his family, and of course, sweet Memphis.

182 Days...

It has been 182 days since I married my best friend. 182 days since we were married on a beach (on Sam's birthday). 182 since our parents and children joined us while celebrated in Florida. 182 since Memphis went to the beach and tried to "eat" the water/waves.

A lot has happened in 182 days.

Recently, Sam and I had an anniversary...now this anniversary is much different from the ones I mentioned in a previous post. This anniversary was for our engagement.

Here's the story.

Some of our dear friends own a restaurant in St. Louis (Soulard to be exact). We registered to run in the St. Louis Hot Chocolate 5K (without much training or prep), so we drove up the day before the race. As usual, we didn't have any set plans for our mini road trip/weekend getaway...or so I thought.

We went to Twisted RAnCH, had a delicious meal, and after picking up our race packets, we decided to go to IKEA. Exciting, right?  What I didn't know is while we were having dinner, Sam asked our friend Jim if he could propose to me on the rooftop of their loft (without me knowing anything about it).

Yep. We got engaged on the rooftop of a loft in St. Louis.

I just thought we were going to IKEA. I didn't realize that stopping by the loft to "drop off our bags" was code for "I'm going to propose to you."

So, we decided to go up to the rooftop to look at the various Christmas lights around the city because, hello, the view! And then I turned around and Sam was down on one knee.

I said yes. 💗

And the next day we celebrated by running a 5K. I thought I was going to die a couple of times, but I ran a race with my soon-to-be-husband. That was pretty awesome.

And how did we celebrate running a race together as future Mr. and Mrs.? We went to Twisted RAnCh to eat.

So many things have happened in 2016 for us. We were married on June 14 (did I mention on the beach?). We were engaged on a rooftop in St. Louis overlooking the city. We took a few road trips. We went to some softball tournaments for Kirsten's travel team. I graduated with my Master's degree. Sam was able to travel for his job to Palo Alto. I was able to travel for a conference to Denver. And Sam went through the trauma resiliency program and graduated with Memphis, his beautiful service dog from This Able Veteran. We have three dogs in our house, and we stay busy. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Yes, we have three dogs. In addition to Memphis we have Kip, a Chihuahua/Pug mix, and Archie, a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. Do they all get along? Yes. They play, share toys, and I think the little dogs often wonder why and how the big dog always gets to leave the house...

I think of all of the good that has come to us in 2016, and it makes me eager for 2017. I can't wait to see what this journey has in store for all of us. I think of all the challenging times, and am thankful we had those opportunities to learn something, grow stronger together, and love each other even more than we thought possible.

I hope you can think of the good that came to you, and your family in 2016. You may even remember some challenges and you may long for a new start in 2017. I hope you are excited about what can come for you in a new year...I know we are.

We are blessed beyond measure. 

Our first "family" photo taken on June 14 in Navarre Beach, Florida.

When Life Gives You Lemons...

Do you know that phrase, "When life gives you lemons...?" Some people finish it with "make lemonade," or "give them back and ask for chocolate!" The phrase, meant to be used to encourage optimism and help you gain that positive attitude, has been around for a long time. Lemons are meant to represent the sourness in your life.

Do you have sourness in your life? Do you often feel that you've been dealt some lemons? I bet we all have at one time or another.

The holiday season can sometimes make that phrase come to mind. Lemons (sour times) being that we have a lot of family to see over the holidays and not enough time to do it. Or, we can't decide on a good Christmas meal menu (and we always want to have good food at our family gatherings, right?), we wait until the last minute to do our Christmas shopping, we complain about the lines, the people...the list could go on and on...

Some Veterans struggle with the holidays. For the longest time, I didn't understand why Sam said, "Christmas Day is hard for me." I thought maybe he lost a family member around the holidays, or there was a bad family experience that took place one Christmas. I never dreamed it would be due to the military.

Anniversary dates can be difficult for Veterans, or those serving in the military. If you've ever been around Veterans to hear them tell stories, it might get quiet...there might be a moment of reflection or remembrance, and maybe they drift to that very moment they were talking about. Maybe they remember when they lost someone in their unit. Maybe they remember a mission, and those memories can come back at any time, but sometimes memories come on "the anniversary."

Some anniversary dates for military personnel can be the date of their enlistment or retirement, the date(s) they were deployed, dates of soldiers lost, the first time they fired a weapon, the first welcome home and even dates of certain missions...

Christmas Day is an anniversary date for Sam. I know the story and the reason why this is so difficult. It breaks my heart, and I know it weighs on him every Christmas.

However, our holidays will be a little brighter this year. We will be celebrating with our children and extended family, but we also get to celebrate with Memphis.

I know that while difficult memories may come back on Christmas Day for Sam, Memphis will be there for him. That is one of the best Christmas gifts he could ever receive...

There are so many people who are hurting or suffering. At times that seems amplified during the holidays. There are many Veterans who would love to celebrate their holidays with family, but a family gathering might be too much stress. Some Veterans may not have anyone to celebrate with, or may not even want to leave their home. I know there are some Veterans who may dislike the holidays for a variety of reasons, and maybe they have an anniversary date around the holidays too.

So, when life gives you lemons...even if it is during the holidays...I hope that you can make lemonade, trade it in for chocolate, find time to spend with your loved ones, call a friend you haven't talked to in awhile, get coffee with your significant other, enjoy a nice meal around the table, and support the ones you love--even if the holidays are difficult for them for whatever reason. Love. Show it. Live it.

 While the holidays can be hard for some of us, I hope that for just one moment we can embrace the holiday spirit, love one other, forget all of our troubles, be kind to one another, do something kind for someone, and spend time with the ones we love. We get to celebrate with a new loved one this holiday season, and that definitely puts a bright spot in a season that can be so difficult. Here's to no lemons during your holiday season. 

Happy Holidays from the Hoekstra's...human and furry. 

No Photography, Please.

Saturday was a "unicorn" day for sure. I mean everyone (at least it seemed everyone) we encountered in St. Charles watched, stared, pointed, talked "baby talk," followed, and even tried to take pictures of Memphis...

I wrote a post earlier about feeling as if people are staring holes through you, you know, really staring and watching you? We felt that on Saturday.

Sam and I made a mini-road trip to St. Charles on Saturday. We hoped to catch some of the Christmas spirit with the parade, carolers, festive decorations, and of course, shops. My Christmas spirit quickly dwindled as we walked around the streets, in and out of stores, and eventually to a spot for the parade.

I think my first indication of how it was going to be a unicorn day was when I heard four women baby talk Memphis.

"Baaaaaaaaabbbbbbeeeeee doggggggiiiiiieeee."
"Pwretty wittle puppy wuppyyyyy."
"Baaaabeee dog!"
"Pwecious dog! A service dogggggggg."

Stop that.

Don't "baby talk" to service dogs, please.

Did I say that out loud?  No. Did I say it in my head? You bet.

A few people would say "DOG!" very loudly as we walked down the streets. And when we saw people with their pets, no one shouted out "DOG!" to them. Odd.

We went in a few stores and people asked to pet Memphis...this was such a high stimulus area that Sam said, "no, I'm sorry he's working right now." We got a few scowls.

One woman even gave us "the look." You know, like, "what on earth are you doing with a dog in here?" And then finally I realized she was watching us about to say, "no dogs," and I said, "he's a service dog" (with a smile) and she went away.

The icing on the cake was when Sam went into a dog treat/toy store. This shop was so neat, and so crowded on our first stop by that we were in and out (plus that's where the women went goo-goo gaa-gaa over Memphis). He asked if I would sit across the street while he ran in real quick.

So, this is something that happens from time to time...if we are out together and Sam goes to the restroom, Memphis gets to sit with me, if Sam has to run out to the car, Memphis stays with me. This was no different. I had Memphis by me, he was sitting (being a very good boy), and a woman walked up to us and attempted to take his picture...

We both had our eyes fixed on the store, waiting for Sam, and then when I looked away from the store, this woman was standing almost right in front of us with her phone directly in front of Memphis.

Me: "I'm sorry, are you attempting to take a photo of my husband's service dog?" (With a very confused look)

Woman: "YES! I AM!" (What the???)

Me: "I would appreciate it if you didn't, I mean, I wouldn't just stop in front of you and take a picture, let alone take it without asking you."

Woman: "Well this dog looks JUST LIKE MY SISTER'S DOG! I mean, IDENTICAL! But my sister's dog is a hoss, so much bigger and fatter! I can't get over how little this lab is!"

Me: "Then your sister's dog looks nothing like this service dog. Maybe your sister does have a lab, but this particular dog you are wanting to take a picture of is not like your sister's. This is a working service dog for my husband who will be back any minute."

**Side note: I swear it took Sam an hour to get in and out of this store...but really it was like 10 minutes. The longest 10 minutes of my life.**

Woman: "Oh a service dog! Well, what's wrong with him?"

Me: (Assuming she means the dog and not Sam since he's not around) "Absolutely nothing is wrong with this dog. He's highly trained for my husband, and we are just out and about visiting the area trying to enjoy our day."

At this point she put her phone away. I was so caught off guard by this because to my knowledge, no one has ever tried to photograph Memphis. Maybe they have and we didn't know it, but I'd never encountered anyone who just held their phone out and made it very obvious they were trying to take his picture.

My eyes were opened to how difficult it can be for Sam to navigate daily life with Memphis. I know he felt uncomfortable at times and as if all eyes were on him, but I was so proud of him for focusing on Memphis, doing breathing exercises, and the looks that he would give Memphis and vice versa... and well...all that crap seemed to go away.

And in my head I was repeating these phrases Saturday:
"Not today Satan."
"Not today annoying people."
"Not today people who are staring."
"Not today people who act like they haven't seen a dog, ever."

Sam and I had a saying before he got Memphis.  If we were going to be in a situation that may have been difficult, we would try it. We'd often say: "Let's try it, and if it doesn't work out, then we try again another time." This went for parades, concerts, games, events where there would be a lot of people and perhaps cause high anxiety...and I remembered that on Saturday.

Pre-Memphis visit to holiday St. Charles would have been bad. There were a lot of people in close quarters. I'm not sure that it would have been enjoyable for Sam. I think his anxiety would have been through the roof, and he probably would have tried to keep a coin in his hands. I think if people got too close he would have been ready to leave a store, or go sit and wait for me while I went to shop. There probably would have been a lot of pacing, maybe even talk of going straight home.

On Saturday I saw Memphis and Sam working together as a team. I saw them strengthen their bond. I even got teary eyed---(fyi, I'm a sap, a cryer, I can tear up at the drop of a hat) because Saturday was a struggle, but never once did Sam appear flustered. Sure, he was annoyed with comments, but we can tune those out. I know he wasn't thrilled about some of the crowds, but he said it best, "it is okay--we made it--we are a team."

Indeed we are. We are family. We take care of one another. My Grinch heart started to grow again, after feeling defeated and thinking this was a bad idea for a road trip...and sometimes you just have to say, "no photography, please" and go about your day.

We loaded up and headed out for a day in the city...Memphis is either photo bombing us, or posing for our road trip photo. 

Can I Pet Your Dog?

When I started noticing people would say things about Sam, Memphis, or service dogs, I started keeping track of those things---now, I realize that may seem super weird or odd, but honestly, some of the phrases, questions, and comments were unbelievable. I mean, if we thought about them later, we would laugh because we couldn't believe what some people would say...out loud...

A question that a lot of people ask is "can I pet your dog?" This is a tough one. While it may seem harmless, there have been people who flat out get mad when Sam says, "no, I'm sorry he's working."

Yep. You read that correctly--people get mad when Sam says no.

And I'm sorry, but he has every right to say no.

Service dogs are working dogs. When Memphis is in "uniform," or in his vest, he is working. There are some situations where he needs to be completely focused on Sam and Sam needs to be completely focused on him. Just like kids can sometimes be distracted, Memphis can get distracted too.

It is so hard to say "no" sometimes...but, to be honest, that is Sam's call as the owner/handler. Cute little kids who just want to say hi to a doggy, people who are in awe that Sam has a dog in public, total strangers, people we know, friends, family, and yes, even our kids...sometimes they all get a "no, he's working." Or, even a "no, not right now."

But even that response (which is always meant in a kind, polite way) makes people mad.

This is a situation that always makes me feel uncomfortable and a little confused for a few reasons, one of them being that I can't figure out why someone would be mad that they can't pet a working dog...

Here's how we started to think of this situation (when we are asked)...

If you saw a disabled person in a wheelchair, would you walk up to them and ask if they could get up so you could have a ride in their wheelchair? I don't think so.

If you saw someone walking with a cane or walker, would you try to take it from them so you could just see what it was like to use a cane or walker? I certainly hope not.

Just like those tools are for those folks who need them, Memphis is that tool for Sam. While I hate to say that (by comparing Memphis to a wheelchair, cane, or walker), Sam needs Memphis like someone who needs a wheelchair.  And even if it seems silly to think of it in that way, it is sort of true.

What some people don't understand is that while Veterans may seem fine in appearance (having their limbs, no visible injuries or scars from war) is that they may not have visible wounds...they may have invisible wounds.

I know what you're thinking...did she just say that some Veterans have "invisible wounds?"

Yes I did.

Invisible wounds are ones that we cannot see---like PTSD, TBI, or moral injury. Those are very real wounds of war. They exist, and they can be hidden deep down in a Veteran.

Am I saying all Veterans suffer from invisible wounds? No.

However, there are Veterans who suffer from PTSD, TBI, and moral injury. And while those injuries may not be visible to the eye, they are real. I heard a man say that for a Veteran who may suffer from TBI that it is like "adult shaken baby syndrome." I nearly lost it. How could someone say that? Were they hit by IED's? Did their truck blow up? TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) can happen when a bump, blow, jolt, or other head injury causes damage to the brain. How do I know this? Sam has TBI as the result of IED (Improvised Explosive Device) blasts from three combat tours.

There are times when we are out in public and Sam has to focus on Memphis as if he is the only thing in a room. At times, Memphis acts as if Sam is the only human around. When there are a lot of people around, random hands will be going toward Memphis...and that is a hard one...to stop someone in the process of trying to pet Memphis when he is working.

I realize some of you who read this may think, "wow, they don't want us to touch or see Memphis." Or, some of you may wonder, "do they ever let anyone touch him?" I'll say this---it is always Sam's call. If you see us out, and you want to say hello, please ask to pet Memphis. If you see anyone with a service dog, and you are curious, just say hello, and always ask if it is okay to pet the dog.

Some service dogs have a patch on their vest that reads "Working Dog DO NOT PET." That's not a slam to people who love dogs. That isn't a mean thing to put on a vest. That is the owner/handler's choice. I also know that it is so tempting to see a service dog and want to pet them. Just remember, they are working, and they should not be distracted.

There's a meme that has circulated and every time I see it, I laugh...so I will share it with you all.

 This is true! Service dogs have been trained for a very long time, and have been specifically for a Veteran. While it is soooo tempting to just reach down and pet a service dog if you see one, consider asking first. If you ask and are told no, please don't be upset, but know you could ask again at another time. 

We are so grateful for all of our friends and family who love Memphis! Believe it or not, your understanding of how important his work is makes our transition with him in our home and lives easier. Thank you for understanding (and thank you for loving him)!

Giving Hope

 That sweet little chunky pup is none other than Memphis. At the time of the photo, we had no idea the joy and happiness he would bring to our lives. We had no idea that "big country" would give us so much hope.

The photo at the bottom is from the Rotary District 6510 fundraiser, Giving Hope. I just love that--"giving hope." You see, the wonderful Rotary clubs from District 6510 helped raise enough money to sponsor a service dog---can you guess which dog that is?

Memphis wears a Rotary patch on his vest. It was sewn on before he and Sam graduated from This Able Veteran. At the graduation, we were fortunate enough to meet Lane Harvey, a past district governor and an individual who helped get several Rotary clubs involved. What made this so special is that our very own local Rotary chapter in Carterville was heavily involved.

Rotary serves others---they even have a "4-Way Test": "Is it the Truth? Is it Fair to all concerned? Will it build Goodwill and Friendships? Will it be beneficial to all concerned?" We've met some amazing folks who are so generous and giving--with such kind hearts that they really live out the Rotary motto: "service above self."

How wonderful to know that individuals like Phil Gillespe, Jim Koonce, Brian Flath, Lane Harvey, Woody Almind, Dave Matthews, and many, many other individuals whose names I either can't remember or do not know, care so much about our Veterans and the work of This Able Veteran.

Through volunteers, donations from individuals and businesses, This Able Veteran (and Rotary District 6510) gives hope. How? By the donations, the training of the dogs, and even the volunteers and folks who help make the three-week training program for Veterans run, these people give selflessly of their time, their money, and they help support Veterans.

Did you know that TAV depends on volunteers and donations from businesses and individuals? They receive no government support, but because of the generosity of others they can provide service dogs, a trauma resiliency program, and travel, food, lodging at no charge to Veterans. Yes, you read that correctly: at no charge to Veterans.

I believe that a dog can be man's best friend. I believe in a healing power between humans and canines, and I believe in hope...I can tell you that there are Veterans who struggle with PTSD. They are afraid to go out in public, in large crowds. They can be overwhelmed with daily tasks, sometimes even having triggers at work. I can tell you that some Veterans want to hide and wear a mask because they don't want to burden or make others uncomfortable just because they have an invisible wound of war.

I believe that it takes a village to prep, train, and educate these dogs and their Veterans. Did you know that a $10 donation could feed a service dog in training for a week? Or that a $100 donation provides a service dog vest? Those small gestures, they mean so much...and they give so much hope...

Did Sam have hope during the weeks and months waiting to hear if he was going to be in the TAV April 2016 class? Yes. Do we have desires for certain things to happen in our lives? Yes, at times. Did we wish, pray, and plan at times for what our lives would be like with a service dog? Absolutely.

By giving hope, I truly believe that we can better the lives of Veterans. There's so much I want to share with you all about how much better things are for Sam. How daily tasks seem like a breeze at times, how Memphis can help if a trigger or memory comes to light...and I will. But for now, it is important to tell you all that we hoped, we prayed, we believed in a cause...and friends, I can tell you, this organization gives hope. The major contributors, like Rotary District 6510...they give hope...and because of the kindness of some people we may never meet, the generosity of people who believe in helping Veterans return home, life is good. Life is very good.

Our kids have asked us "what do you want for Christmas?" Now, as a mom that works full time, I could come up with a big list--a spa day, a pair of comfortable shoes, an iTunes gift card...but honestly, I have amazing gifts in my life. I am blessed. It would be so nice to bless others, as we have been blessed...

So, when asked, my answer is, "I would like people to donate to TAV. I want a Veteran to be blessed like Sam has been, and our family has" because this journey isn't Sam's alone, we are in this together.

If you feel the need to help provide food for a service dog, a leash and collar, or a vest,  or maybe you want to donate in honor of someone, consider donating to This Able Veteran. There are so many Veterans who have yet to really "come home" from their deployment(s)...there are Veterans who deserve a chance to have hope.

Please visit www.thisableveteran.org to learn more about the program, the people who make it happen, and how to donate. 

Don't Rain on My Parade

It has been said that occasional anxiety is part of life. Maybe you feel anxious with a situation at work. I had test anxiety as a student because I worried that once I sat down to take a test all the information would just disappear. Perhaps you've been anxious when making a life changing decision. Maybe you live with anxiety deep down every day...

My husband's anxiety comes and goes. While it has been easier since Memphis, "pre-Memphis" anxiety was a major challenge. One that I wanted to throat punch. I hated that there were times I could do absolutely nothing for Sam. Signs of anxiety for Sam were not noticeable to me at first. Why? Because Sam was good at hiding how he felt at times. Things or signs that I finally realized were due to be anxious or somewhat related to PTSD:

A big one: crowds. Sam was not (and still is not at times) a fan. Too many people in one place, especially when there's no visible exit in place = not good. Anxiety to find an exit, not looking behind at the "crowd," people being too close (as if they are breathing down your neck)--no bueno.

Last year we decided to go to the Carbondale Lights Fantastic Parade. A night out with the family--a night to get into the Christmas spirit.  We loaded up the kids, blankets, hot chocolate, and we planned to meet my parents at the parade.

But there's one problem. People go to parades. And people come out in DROVES for parades...or so it seems.

We had the PERFECT spot, close to the road, and we set up camp. Everyone had hot chocolate, a blanket, and we were ready. Then, the worst possible scenario started to unfold before my eyes.

Sam became boxed in...people around him (which was us, people he knew), and people RIGHT BEHIND HIM. Here's the thing, Sam cannot stand having people stand right behind him. I know it is uneasy for me, but consider someone who has been in combat surrounded by people who may or may not be the enemy...in your personal space...a stranger...now imagine being surrounded at a parade. I was even uncomfortable and I knew Sam was...

I politely asked the family who moved in on our turf if they could move back a little bit. They had a double stroller. One baby was screaming/crying/unhappy. One was just sitting. The family didn't budge. I waited a few minutes, and saw how uncomfortable Sam was--fidgeting, looking for a coin, trying to do some deep breathing...it just wasn't working. I asked again, and they moved maybe 3 steps over. Still too close. I had to do something. That phrase "don't rain on my parade" was in my head--even if there was no rain, it was a family outing that was slowly slipping away.

The anxiety of the people around us was so bad that Sam had to get up and go away from us--actually he walked over to a parking lot. You can't watch a parade with your family when you are in a parking lot and they are near the edge of a curb. Tally messaged me (thank you, Facebook) and asked how things were. I was on the verge of tears, and all I could think of was "this was a bad idea." Tally found us...after exchanging a few messages and she came over with one of the service dogs in training...

Social media...may not have been the best or smartest post, but I posted something on Facebook about just wanting to enjoy a parade with my family, maybe it was even something about parade etiquette...but, that "rant," was read by someone special...and she reached out. Tally helped us out that night.

"Who is Tally?" you may be wondering...Tally is "my person." Before she became "my person," we knew her as one of the amazing trainers at This Able Veteran. After we found out Sam was going to be in the class, we got to meet some of staff at TAV/Extreme K9. I had no idea that those people would be friends that would become like family.

Tally helped us salvage what was left of the parade, and with tears in my eyes, all I could muster was a whisper of a thank you. She went over to Sam with one of the pups...and for the first time I saw Sam break down. He felt like he let us down...he felt like he ruined the parade...can you imagine? That pup in training helped him more than they both knew that night. And it was then I realized the decision to apply to TAV was the best move Sam could have made.

 I'm pretty sure God knew what he was doing when he placed Tally in our life...and not just Tally, but so many other folks we have met through This Able Veteran.  Tally was so helpful to me, especially when Sam was in training...she would check in with me, let me know how Sam was doing, and sometimes I got pictures of the bonding between Sam and Memphis during those three weeks.

This picture of Tally with Sam and Memphis is adorable (and yes, my husband is wearing sunglasses inside). Tally loves her job. She loves those precious pups as if they were her own. Tally loves the Veterans that she meets. I have seen her in action, working with Memphis and other dogs...and she is dedicated to making Veterans lives better. And of course there's aunt Miranda, aunt Lauren, uncle Jeff,  aunt Jacee, Mama B. Doan, aunt Pam, aunt Michelle...aunt Beth, uncle Chuck...anyone and everyone who's loved on Memphis...it takes a village of people to prepare these dogs to be companions for life for some very deserving Veterans.

How and why does Memphis know what to do? Because of his training. Sam is often asked if he is training Memphis, or if the dog is trained. Memphis was trained by some of the best people I know (see above).  He made public appearances as a pup, learned to pick up on behaviors that a Veteran may exhibit, and eventually learned how to help Sam in a variety of situations. That's right. Memphis was specifically trained for some of Sam's behaviors. Amazing, right?

For the longest time I was so frustrated with myself for not being able to help calm Sam down when he was anxious. I wished there was something I could do, hoped that I could help---I would have even invested in magic wand to make it all go away if I could have...

And then Memphis came into our lives...and he's blessed Sam more than he'll ever know. <3

Traveling with Memphis

One day while we were out and about (probably heading to Target) someone (read random stranger) asked "does that dog really go everywhere he goes?" And the answer to that is,"yes, yes that dog goes everywhere he (Sam) goes."

How does that work? Well, Memphis sleeps in our room. Sometimes he sleeps on the bed, or he will cuddle for a bit then lay down in his bed. Yes,  Memphis has his own bed, with a platform that Sam built. In case Sam has a nightmare, Memphis can alert him.

Memphis goes to work with Sam. As I mentioned in an earlier post, Sam works for the VA in Marion. Memphis has some "office space" with Sam, and if Sam has a meeting, Memphis has a meeting. If Sam has to see a Veteran, Memphis sees the Veteran.

When our kids have school activities, Memphis comes with us. He's been to numerous softball games, choral concerts, and has even helped with drop off and pick up at school for the kids.

If we take a road trip, Memphis comes with us. We've been able to visit a lot of neat places with Memphis, our favorite restaurant, Twisted RAnCh in Soulard, IKEA in St. Louis, Fort Campbell, Scott AFB, and Memphis has even been to travel softball tournaments!

I think the best part of traveling with Memphis was when we went to Florida this summer. You see, Memphis had two very important jobs on that trip---he had to "work," but he was also the ring bearer at our wedding. We were married at Navarre Beach on June 14 (Flag Day and Sam's birthday).

So, to answer the question of if "that dog" really goes everywhere, yes...he really does. <3

 Memphis accompanied us to get our marriage license, and enjoyed the beach during our wedding.

Just Because...

The past few weeks have been a little stressful at the Hoekstra Homestead.

Why, you ask?

Sam works full time for the VA in Marion. He's also in grad school. I teach full time at John A. Logan.

This time of year is super crazy for students and teachers...heck, it is crazy for everyone because holidays.

Memphis senses the stress. Today Sam had class and he sent me a text message saying, "I am stressed about class, and Memphis knows. He's really coming through today."

And then he sent this picture...

That sweet face, in class, with "Dad." Stress just seems to go away when he's around.